"Customer Complaints"

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• Mouse: Madam, you may need a handle to screw, but most people do not.

  My boomerang won't come back!

• Kevan: Not you again.

  Lizards keep crawling out of the back of this television set.

• Raak: He can see the fnords! Arrest him!

  This "mineral" water tastes like it came straight out of the tap.

• Huxley: Actually Madam, the truth is far worse than that.
  
  There's over 6 inches of head on this pint!
• Riana: Oh no. I don't even want to touch this one. I'll just get my coat right now... [Raak] The other night I was hanging out at a RPG with my boyfriend and some of his friends, and one was wearing a shirt that had the Ford logo on it, only modified to say "Fnord." And then I got told by someone else about a joke involving somebody asking a giant, "Have you riven a fjord lately?"
• Blob: (re 6" head): But you must admit it has fantastic body to go with it !
  
  This horse only goes sideways ...
• fat German: That's a clothes horse, sir
  
  This copy of Windows keeps crashing. I want a replacement.
• Simons Mith: Why?

  I say, this 'unix' isn't very easy to understand. is it?

• Huxley: You're a java programmer, aren't you?
  
  This cell phone doesn't work underwater
• Riana: Hmm. Try charging it, but keep it in the bath with you while you do...

  When I opened the box to my advance copy of Diablo II, all I found inside was an AOL installation disk!

• JLE: We are Borg. You will be assimilated.
  
  This fridge doesn't stand up properly unless you shove a book under it.
• Norma: It was assembled at a plant on a hill.
  
  This soda is flat!
• Rich: You mean "still" madam. Like Reef, or 'Still' Tango.
  
  That's never eight inches!
• Riana: Okay, I admit it's only six, but some women like it that wide. I'll get my sweater...

  My Tandy isn't compatible with Windows 2000!

• Phil: Would you want it to be?

  I can't understand what anyone is saying in Denmark!

• TFMA: No sir, you'll be wanting the Macromedia Scandinavian Languages plug-in for your Babelfish. I'm not sure what is wrong, but every time I hit it, it goes pink and the end falls off.
• Kevan: It's supposed to do that.

  Excuse me; this film didn't have a happy ending. I'd like my money back, and some counselling.

• Blob: That was the happy ending ... you should have seen the Director's Cut
  
  This-here rottweiler you sold me, why does it miaow ?
• Huxley: It's a Stealth Rottweiler
  
  The scroll lock button doesn't do anything
• Raak: Only God can truly accomplish anything.

  There's a dead mouse in this loaf of bread.

• Gramit: Of course it's dead - a live mouse would have eaten it. If you want a live mouse, go to a pet shop.
  
  I asked for this sandwich to be without mayonnaise.
• Gramit: True story: this evening my girlfriend and I were out to dinner at a local pub. I ordered a bacon cheeseburger and it arrived w/o bacon. I asked for the bacon and it arrived on a plate. On closer inspection it proved to be burnt. I asked the waitress for it to be replaced. She said "we cook all out bacon in advance, and it's all burnt" as a matter of fact without the slightest hint of apology.[/true story]
• Kevan: If the mayonnaise is within the sandwich, the sandwich must surely be without the mayonnaise.

  These seedless grapes seem to have seeds in them.

• Phil: You see, you've answered your own question. They only seem to have seeds in them. That's your perception of the state of the grape. Someone else's might be totally different. Now piss off and stop bothering me, I've loftier matters to be worrying about.

  Password protecting my screensaver has no effect, despite what it says in the help file.

• Raak: That's corrected in the latest version of the help file.

  You have shelves labelled "popular fiction", but where do you keep the unpopular fiction?

• Dan: We can't seem to keep it on the shelves, sir.

  I protest, you call these free-range eggs? The cartons hold them completely immobile!

• Kevan: We let them out at night, sir.

  This time machine doesn't work.

• Blob: Hello, I wonder if you'd mind testing this time machine for us
  (Worthy of Graham Greene, that one !)
  
  The string on this yo-yo is thirty yards long - and made of steel !
• Riana: That's a wrecking ball, sir.

  My keyboard's not working!

• Dunx: You are in fact trying to type on a bar of chocolate. There is no such thing as a YORKIE keyboard.

  Why is there no money left in my bank account> It was full yesterday!

• Raak: We deducted service and interest charges on your overdraft.
  But I didn't have an overdraft!
  You do now. Unless you can show us plans for repayment, we will have to take legal action to recover the costs of taking legal action.

  You are all stark raving mad!!!!!

• Kevan: It helps us work here, sir. Did you not see the warning sign?

  These anti-depressants make me feel nauseous, and hallucinate small green triangles.

• Huxley: At least your nose is still intact.... for now
  
  These ski's are made of Wrigley's Juicy Fruit
• Dunx: Well, you did buy them second hand. If you'd wanted a different flavour you should have bought them in mint condition.

  I'm not happy with your cleaning service. When I arrive in the morning, my desk is three times messier than the night before.
  (completely true - it's like a little whirlwind hits our desks every night)

• Jacob: I'm sorry sir, we do our best but a little whirlwind hits your desk every night.

  I don't get it, how can this lard possibly be 80% fat free?

• Kevan: The box is four-fifths empty.

  I'm not happy with your cleaning service. When I arrive in the morning, all my paperwork, along with that of nearby colleagues, has been stacked in a neat but randomly-ordered single pile. (Also completely true.)

• Huxley: I'm sorry sir, we do our best but a very neat little whirlwind hits your desk every night
  
  I opened this bag of fish and chips and the fish jumped out and ran down the street singing songs from "Oliver"!
• Riana: Ahaha, but the chips are still there, no?

  Where am I going, and why am I in this handbasket?

• Norma: Wake up! You're daydreaming again!
  
  Why do all the fuses in my apartment blow whenever I use the microwave? True story.
• Raak: Tests have shown that nearly all electrical accidents would have been prevented if the electricity had been cut off. The Surgeon General has issued a warning that electricity should not be used where there may be people present. The fuses are designed to blow whenever any electrical current flows.

  This toaster has only two settings: burnt to a crisp, and up in flames.

• CdM: It does indeed sir. Your point?
  
  The monitor says that my flight has been cancelled due to thunderstorms in Kansas. But I'm flying from London to Edinburgh.
• Mouse: These new surround-sound, virtual-experience movies are really authentic, aren't they Sir? After interval, the storm travels to the British Isles and wipes out most of Scotland.

  When I wear this bra, blokes keep staring at me.

• Raak: Women who wear it are usually quite pleased by that.

  I gave my mother-in-law a 500-pack of Death cigarettes, but she's still alive.

• Jon: Why not just try pushing her down the stairs like normal people?

  Edgar Allen Poe likes Ravens

• Huxley: Sir, we don't do Ravens - this is a health food shop!
  
  I have not been able to log into your site since last Thursday!
• Dunx: Can't you take a hint? We don't want you here! Go away!

  This scuzzy card I bought from you is very clean and shiny.

• Riana: *AAAACHOO*

  Your mission statement is a bunch of meaningless fluff!

• Drewsxpa: Oh dear, it must have been truncated. There's supposed to be lots more meaningless fluff
  
  Now see here, St. Peter. I can deal with the light from this halo getting in my eyes. I've gotten used to the sore back from these heavy wings. Even the chronic damp feet from walking on clouds, no sweat. But singing endless Hosannas is so BORING. Isn't there someplace I can go for some variety?
• Blob: Well there is somewhere a little warmer .....
  
  This new telephone directory you've sent me ... it's in numerical order ...
• Dunx: Well, if you'd wanted a directory of names you should have said. We also have an address directory, if you need to find out who lives where, although obviously you can only have that with a police warrant, a judicial order, or a note from your mum.

  The glue on these yellow bits of paper is too weak - I can't use them to stick anything together.

• Mr. Tasteless (aka Huxley): If that glue is good enough for Air France, it should be good enough for you!
  
  A plane just crashed into my hotel room!
• Norma: That's the airport shuttle.
  Why is this store full of people when you don't open for aother week?
• matt: They're the stock, we're just getting them stacked onto the shelves.

  You told me this internet thing was going to the most exciting thing ever in the history of the world.

• Huxley: I think you'll find you're wrong. Can I suggest you visit the The Hampster Blast
  
  This Palm Pilot has a 21" screen.
• Drewsxpa: You think you have it rough. We're the ones who had to figure out that it had to be 0.285740738292392" wide and 20.9980559155004" tall to get that 21" diagonal and still have the advertized 6 square inch display. Sheesh. Give us a break.
  
  Dear Manchester city council, your city is defective. I ran out of petrol while driving through your city. Since I've never run out of petrol while driving through any other city, the fault is clearly with your city.
• Riana: Get out of your petrol-empty car and play in traffic

  Our contact information for your company is eight years out of date! Why didn't you call and tell us when the senior staff changed?

• Huxley: We fired our Director of Contacts
  
  This toothbrush has no bristles
• Drewsxpa: Ah, I see you've purchased our GeriDent^TM model especially designed for people with no teeth.
  
  My electrical bill is too high. My daughter unscrewed a burned-out light bulb and then went to the store to buy a new one. I want a refund because we didn't use all of the electricity that leaked out of the empty socket before she returned with the new bulb.
• Kevan: You should have stuck your fingers in it until she got back, sir. Feel free to do this when you get home; we won't charge you for the electricity.

  This Internet is full of pornography.

• Riana: Downloading a lot of it onto your work computer will remove it from the Internet, sir. Be sure to grab as much as possible.

  The babysitter sent by your agency cooked and ate my child!

• Raak: Babysitter? You asked us for someone to take care of your barbie!

  This "internet" is making it far too easy for students to find information. How will they ever find out how to do research when it's made so easy?

• Gramit: Have them look for something that doesn't involve pornography.
  
  My car won't go faster than 50 mph.
• Norma: Try using a different brand of gasoline.
  
  I can't find a copy of the newspaper's early edition anywhere.
• Phil: Your're blind

  Freddie Starr ate my hampster

• El Emisario...: That's right; it's all part of our complemenary difunct pet disposal service. Why, only last week Jerry Hall consumed my late Iguana.
• Simons Mith: This thong you sold me is completely unwearable!
• PaulWay: Look, mate, you'd think a bloke like you'd have enough brains in his noggin to work out you put it on your foot, yer useless galah.

  I played this CD backward and it contained Satanic messages!

• Riana: Yes, but when played forward it says "just kidding."

  That hairdo went out of fashion years ago.

• Kevan: How dare you. This is "Complaints", not "Abuse".

  This word processor keeps getting bold and italics mixed up.

• gil: You think you've got problems...

  Your "Test Match Special" Cricket program is most unsatisfactory. England hardly ever wins on it.

• El Emisario...: This is a video rental shop. The odds of the outcome changing from one viewing to the next are, frankly, small.

  This carpet smells distinctly of burning sulphur

• Raak: That's "natural forest scents to bring a hint of nature into your home".

  This bridge sways whever anyone sets foot on it.

• Kevan: Shut up and get moving; we've got to get these magic stones back to the village before the cultists kill us.

  This film presents a completely false and biased view of historial events.

• The Green Man: Only if you're looking at it from the Nazi point of view, sir
• Raak: You didn't make a complaint!
• Drewsxpa: Good complaints are born, not made
  
  Every time I turn on the air-conditioning in this car, blue liquid squirts out of the vents.
• Icelos: Naturally, sir: that liquid is the conditioner (duh!)

  I'm a little confused. I purchased a print of the "Mona Lisa" here yesterday, but when I took it home and hung it on my wall, it just looked blank.

• matt: Well, sir, it could be that you're the victim of a cruel conspiracy to drive you out of your mind by making all the humdrum objects encountered in everyday life behave, shall we say, oddly; indeed, it could be that every aspect of your quotidian existence is being painstakingly manufactured moment-to-moment in a vast and baroque experiment to test the structural integrity of the human psyche in the face of the unexpected. Or it could be that you've hung the print backwards and that famously enigmatic smile is currently exciting the curiosity of your peeling anaglypta. What do you think, sir?

  This dress makes me look fat.

• Gramit: Not half as fat as out of it, according to our hidden cameras.
  
  Why aren't my pictures ready yet? You promise 2 hour service!
• Norma: The network is down.
  
  This coffee is too hot.
• Phil: It's called "Gold Blend", not "Cold Blend", you cross-eyed toad!

  My head hurts

• Raak: Don't hit your head with a hammer.

  This tea has ice in it! Blecch!!

• _tim_: Try boiling water Sir
  
  These pants are too tight
• Drewsxpa: If Madam would care to take a deep breath and then suddenly squat all the way down, Madam will observe that these pants have a special tightness-relief feature built in. Madam would also be well advised to keep Madam's bum toward the wall following said manoeuvre.
  
  Something must be loose inside this telephone you sold me. Every now and then it makes a jingling sound that repeats every few seconds for about a minute. Iddly enough, I can't hear the loose bits jingling around when I shake it.
• Raak: That's a warning system that it triggered when it detects significant levels of electricity on the line. Electricity is a dangerous substance that can cause heart attacks, fires, and instant coffee. The next time it happens you should unplug it immediately and the alram will stop.

  This nail is defective. When I hammered it into the wall, it pierced a water pipe. You don't have any warning on the packet to say that this can happen.

• El Emisario...: We suggest you contact the water pipe manufacturers, who should provide an early warning system which jingles every few seconds for about a minute. This would then prompt you to switch off the water at the mains, before continuing to hammer in the nail.

  This telephone has no electricity warning system.

• Kevan: Tsk, honestly. It's a mobile phone, sir, they have "invisible death ray" warning systems.

  This mobile phone you sold me seems to be nothing more than two yoghurt pots and a length of string. And you're charging me ten pounds a month service charge. Explain.

• Simons Mith: Give one yoghurt pot to the person to whom you wish to speak. Stand sufficiently far apart that the string becomes taut. When you wish to speak, speak into your yogurt pot while the other person puts their yoghurt pot to their ear. When they wish to answer back, they should talk into their yoghurt pot while you put yours to your ear. That's how these mobile phones work, sir. By the way, there will be a support charge of £75.00 plus VAT for this call. Do have a pleasant day, sir.

  Giant ants have taken over the world and are laying waste to all before them? What's that got to do with me? Why can't I get my internet?

• Drewsxpa: Automated reply follows: There will be a slight delay in processing your complaint until our giant antlike robots finish installing your internet connection. We regret any inconvenience you may experience due to this delay.
  
  I keep getting yoghurt in my ear whenever I talk on my cell phone
• Icelos: Mmmmmf mmmmf whmmmf whhhmb hhmb. Whmmmt? All right, then let's try from this side. Once again: there are no credible scientific results to show that yoghurt causes brain tumors. So stop your whinging; it's just one of the little sacrifices we all have to make for environmental friendliness.

  When I called earlier, you said you had plenty of insect spray in stock. Now that I've come in to buy some, you tell me that the shelves are empty! What's going on?

• Phil: I'm sorry Sir, we're closed this afternoon for the manager's funeral. He committted insecticide.

  Why does a 4" vibrating battery cost twice as much as a 10" vibrator and two batteries?

• Drewsxpa: It's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic with which it is wielded. Or so they keep telling me.
  
  I tried out these special X-115Z noise-cancellation headphones, but I still keep hearing these little voices in my head.
• matt: As you're one of our most valued customers, we'll be happy to throw in a frontal lobotomy for no extra charge. I think I've got a knitting needle around here somewhere...

  This sentence is untrue.

• Raak: Hey, Bill, did you see that? Someone came in here and said "This sentence is un--" and then vanished into thin air, just like that!

  Your life's work contains a fundamental contradiction which completely vitiates any usefulness it might have had.

• Riana: Yeah, but I had fun, and chicks dig me.

  This "Continental breakfast" is suspiciously Indian sub-continental.

• Drewsxpa: If sir will look carefully beneath it, sir will find that it is served on a tectonic plate
  
  Instead of carrying my luggage, the bellhop set me on fire and pushed me out of the elevator. Besides, it was the wrong floor.
• Isegrim: Make sure you tell him what floor you want to be push out at BEFORE you are set on fire sir. This should avoid any later confusion.

  This computer mouse you sold me is causing my moniter to move around the room.

• Gramit: You live in California, sir.
  
  My mouse pad is not big enough to get my mouse to the right hand edge of my monitor.
• Kevan: You need a smaller monitor, sir.

  The milkman delivered three hundred pints of gold top this morning. What's going on?

• Raak: Latest EU regulations, sir. They've imposed a compulsory purchase order on the milk surplus. You have to buy it or face prosecution.

  These pornographic magazines aren't nearly sexy enough.

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