"World's Worst"

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• Rich (x-n): To: All Staff
  Our new System Network Administrator has recently noted that the network drives are filling up. In order to minimise file size, I am taking the proactive step of requesting that all documents be saved using 3-point fonts and that all images should be converted to 2-tone (pref. black-an-white) pictures.
  Your co-operation will be appreciated; random checks will be carried out and any non-compliant files may be deleted.
• Raak: [FG] I loved the comment right at the foot of that page: "This page is best viewed by opening your eyes and looking at the monitor".
• Phil: [All] I think I need to shoot myself, or get into a different industry! I understood everything on the gibberish page at the first run through (although I wouldn't say it made for pleasant reading). However revenge is mine - yesterday I was also asked by my boss what "obviate" meant, and I didn't even know that I had used it in a design specification I wrote on Monday. Not quite sure what my point is...maybe I should work as a mission statement writer , or Managing Director perhaps :-)
• Raak: I have to deal with stuff like this (an absolutely genuine, unedited quote):

  Decision No 182/1999/EC of the European Parliament and of the Council of 22 December 1998 concerning the fifth framework programme of the European Community for research, technological development and demonstration activities (1998 to 2002)

  THEME 2: USER-FRIENDLY INFORMATION SOCIETY

  The convergence between information processing, communications and content is increasingly pervading most industrial and social activities and is increasingly critical to Europe’s competitiveness and quality of life. The advent of the information society is opening up the possibility of a wide range of new activities for both individuals and companies in the Community, e.g. in the fields of commerce, work, transport, the environment, education and training, health and culture. Continuous efforts in relation to research, technological development and technology take-up and demonstration are necessary to realise the full potential of the information society. The technological range of the key actions allows the possibility of a dynamic concentration and a flexible implementation of the activities, reflecting socioeconomic priorities.

  These efforts must, in all activities, tackle the universal issues such as access, ease of use, cost-effectiveness and interoperability and standardisation. They should also address the socioeconomic impact of the activities, in particular the social changes brought about by the introduction and more widespread use of new information and communications technologies, including their effect on different population groups, with particular attention to their effect on women and young people. Tackling the issues of access and ease of use in this context shall be an important priority.

  (And so on...and on...and on...)

• Fat German: [Raak] Can I put that on my website please?
• Tolken: [Raak] Is this a translation by any chance?

  Sentence quoted verbatim from an internal report by one of Europe's largest stationers:

  'Notwithstanding the aforementioned acquisitions in a variety of foreign marketplaces, many of which are independantly competitive within themselves, we have concluded that in the interests of our holdings being seen as structured such that they will actively allow, if not promote, competition within the group, we have chosen to deliver all futher management policy information in the language of origin of the wholly or partially owned subsidiary.'

  [PaulWay] This would have Sir Ernest spinning in his grave.

• Raak: [FG]Well, I certainly don't mind pillorying them... Just don't mention my name. You can read the whole thing somewhere on the gigantic Fifth Framework web site. [Tolken] Probably not, though given that these things have to be put into every EU language, some tralsators probably had a hand in it. [Tolken, PW] Another reason people write like that is to disguise what they're saying. They can hardly say, "We're big enough to run into anti-monopoly laws, so try and at least look as if head office isn't directing world-wide operations down to the last paperclip."
• Tolken: I just received the following notice: "The previous eviction appointment could not go ahead as there was a viscous dog in the property"
• Tolken: (They probably require specialist solvents to remove it...)
• Huxley: I just want to announce that I almost pee'd myself at the viscous dog comment.
• PaulWay: [Tolken] ROFLMEO!
• Rich: Arf arf. (err, as it were...)
• Rich: [PaulWay] E?
• Nina: [Rich/PaulWay] 'ed, perhaps?
• PaulWay: Eyes Out
• Projoy: Not a memo, exactly, but along those lines...

  The Organisation
  1 The Street
  Town Centre
  London
  WC1A 1AA

  31 August 1999

  To Whom It May Concern,

  Mr Projoy has been employed by this company for three years, and in that time, I have found him to be completely reliable and hardworking in the duties which he sees fit to bestow on himself.

  His tireless work in wriggling out of responsibilities and delegating thankless tasks to other staff has demonstrated a unique approach to management, the like of which this employer has never seen.
  In all areas of his work, he has dedicated tremendous energy to minimising stress upon himself, and is frequently to be found asleep at his desk, or working to improve staff morale either by taking extended sick leave, or mixing with junior staff outside in the car park, smoking cigarettes.
  He is renowned in this office for his painstaking care in typing up the cofee and biscuits rota, for which effort he has been released from coffee and buscuit duties by the unanimous consent of himself. His invaluable work decorating the walls of the office at our Christmas party (using his own bodily fluids) has also been the cause of much remark.
  He makes positive and creative use of company resources, such as office stationery, to achieve exciting results, such as the 500 copies of his CV he has recently printed on the office printers. As regards the stationery, he is also fond of taking his work home.
  This is not to say he is dull. His many interests and hobbies include amateur embezzlement, alcoholism, a long-standing coke habit and the attempted molestation of adolescent girls, for which he has won much useful publicity for the company in the pages of the local, and indeed national and international press.
  In short, I cannot but commend Mr Projoy for his clear and efficient handling of finances, such as demanding fortnightly subs and wage increases to cover an increasingly alarming overdraft, and for the tremendous ambition which, sadly for us, now sees him moving on to pastures new.
  I hope the above information proves useful to somebody.
  Yours truthfully,
  The Manager.
• gil: 211-D Hominid skull

  Apologies if y'all have seen this one - but I saw it a coupla years ago, and I think it must fit World's Worst something. Source was ariadne@cix from Phil Rees at York University, from Roger Fern at Newcastle University, and Peter Hewitt of Exeter.

  ---

  There's a man who digs things up in his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names,insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway, here's a letter from Harvey Rowe @ the Smithsonian institute in reply to his most recent find...

  ---

  Paleoanthropology Division
  Smithsonian Institute
  207 Pennsylvania Avenue
  Washington, DC 20078

  Dear Sir:

  Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loth to come to contradiction with your findings.

  However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

  1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
  2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
  3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
     1. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
     2. Clams don't have teeth.
  It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

  Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

  However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

  We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

  Yours in Science,

  Harvey Rowe
  Curator, Antiquities [if you've seen this before, it's 'cos I sent it on Thursday before everything fell over.]

• PaulWay: As if anyone's going to try beating that one. Hmmm. Time for a new topic, or has this game got too long in the tooth?
• MrBlack: I've got that same one printed out and stuck on my office wall. Took me days to stop chortling at it.
• Rich: I've seen that so many times over the years I'm convinced it's an urban myth. Bloody funny though.
• Jrs: It's a myth. I sent it to a friend here at work who used to work for the Carnegie Inst. of Washington, in DC, and when he first received it, he checked with a friend at the Smithsonian. As Rich said though, it's bloody funny.
• Projoy: [PaulWay] Personally, I think a rest would do this game some good. It's lasted ever such a long time (It's been here at least twice as long as me, I think), and I think it needs its batteries recharging a trifle.
• Projoy: (adds hastily) not that the latter moves were not very entertaining. They were. But I would hate for quoted stuff to become the backbone of a game,instead of new and original material.
• Norma: One of the duties of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is to track migratory animals, including birds. All animals tracked wear tags that, until recently, read Wash. Biol. Surv. (Washington Biological Survey), followed by the agency's address. The following letter prompted the agency to change the tags, which now read Fish and Wildlife Service.

  To Whom it may concern,
  I shot one of your birds during a camping trip last week. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions attached to its leg, and I want you to know that it was terrible.

• PaulWay: *LOL*, but as Projoy says there are other ways of making people rather than quoting other people...
• Dunx: ... as the golem said to its master.
• Jrs: Ba - Boom Tish
• gil: Sorry to hear that Homonid Skull is an Urban Myth, but not terribly surprised, though cranks abound everywhere.

  I'd support game closure.

• Jrs: [gil] That's what makes it so good. The Institut here had a whole set of nutters coming out of the wood work when someone in a village nearby found something in his garden that looked like a meteorite. People were told to phone someone here if they saw anything that evening. By the time we microprobed the thing and found out it shared elemental charactersitics with a lump of solder, the poor bloke here was sick to death about people phing about strange noises and lights that night.
• Projoy: OK, anyone have ideas for something to replace this game. If Yea, I'll kill it, if nay, I'll spare it. Going... going...
• gil: How about Headlines from History - how tabloid newspapers would report historical events:
  eg Battle of Waterloo: BONEY HITS THE BUFFERS
  Moses parts the Red Sea: ISRAELIS SURVIVE MOTORWAY FLOOD CRISIS
  etc.
• Jrs: Gets my vote....
• Phil: Gets my vote too....but surely in a new game, rather than continuing this one under a misnomer.
• Projoy: I think that constitutes a quorum, so...
• the players:

• JLE: Lovely game. Didn't join in much but it was great fun watching.
• chris: did you know that your a sort of goggle whack
• google: We have many google whacks. It's our job.
• Brendan: (It's "cucumbers hatstands", if anyone's interested. Thought I'd check the Google hits page before too much time had elapsed.)

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